Monday, March 28, 2011

The Big Red Whoops

For being ranked in the 92nd percentile of all ROTC cadets, serving as Battalion Commander, consistently scoring dozens of points above maxing on my APFT, being one of a handful of cadets to graduate Pathfinder school this year, and mastering a critical language, Cadet Command saw fit to reward me with my 8th choice of duty station: Ft. Riley, Kansas. I don't know where to begin.

There are too many punchlines to list, but my favorite may be that Riley's nearest town is - wait for it - Manhattan, Kansas. Jews, Manhattan, Kansas - take it from there.

I should point out that it's not all bad: According to unreliable sources, the unit's light BCT is scheduled to deploy about the time I should graduate Ranger School, which I love - I've been making this increasingly bad series of decisions because I want to lead soldiers in combat, not because my higher calling is bailing them out of jail and administering their PT tests back on post. And whoever's more badass stateside, every infantryman is doing the same thing in Afghanistan.
Also, Manhattan also hosts the nightlife of Kansas State University. If you'll allow me to quote
Superbad, "I'll be over at State, where the girls are half as smart and thus twice as likely to fellace me."

I should also point out that it's actually pretty bad - Riley is an infamously dull post. CPT Krunch, not an optimist, but certainly not one to complain, spared no expense telling me how much he hated "The Little Crapple."

There are options. Most likely is a duty swap - at LDAC or IBOLC I find a 2LT dumb enough to switch posts with me - say, a kid who graduated from Kansas University and is allergic to parachute lines and Italian food. For the right unit, I'd also be willing to pay a fair bit to sweeten the deal.

I can also call my branch manager, a human resources civilian responsible for placing me, and also hundreds of other infantry lieutenants - but I've heard of success stories from LTs who called up, plead their cases - in my case, a more earnest expression of the self-entitlement in my first paragraph (my favorite story is a guy who called with a fictitious story about how his father and grandfather had both served honorably in the 101st - and got in). The same ends are also possible if you just call up the personnel officer at the unit you want and ask them if they want you as a PL.

It's in my best interest not to call anyone up until I'm actually an officer - nobody wants to talk to a cadet and they may not even have the authority to change one's orders - so until then, if anyone asks, I'm still gearing up to be the only Jew in Manhattan.

P.S. If you forgot, this post details which units I actually wanted
P.P.S. 50th post!


  1. I've been to Fort Riley multiple times...there is nothing there! I feel for you. But don't worry you can always PCS out of there in a couple of years!

  2. Better yet, I'll PCS out of the Army in a couple of years!