Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Army Strong

The Army's main measure of physical prowess is the APFT (Army Physical Fitness Test). The APFT consists of sit-ups, push-ups, and a 2-mile run. When I began my cadet career, I could barely do 30 push-ups (100% on the APFT is 71 and the average is in the 50s). Before I knew much about the Army, 30 push-ups sounded like a lot. But being a cadet who can only do 30 push-ups is like being... well... a cadet who is even more of a useless invalid than a normal cadet (okay, enough modesty- we are really fucking awesome).




Fortunately, five years of suffering through cross country gave my body the entirely unnatural ability to move itself 2 miles in under 13 minutes (100% on the APFT but mediocre for cross country. Luckily, I was a pretty damn mediocre cross country runner).









The Marines' version of the APFT has chin-ups instead of push-ups, which I enjoy, but I don't think it will ever catch on in the Army because it's just another way to punish people for being fat (the original method being the 2-mile run).

Apart from the run, the APFT essentially requires only 2 muscles: your pecs and abs. Forget biceps, shoulders, whatever any other sexy beach muscles. Just pecs and abs. I've heard there are literally dozens of other muscles in the human body, so it could be said that the APFT is not really a complete measure of fitness... every jacked cadet who wrestled in high school but can't jog across the unitard store without getting out of breath will agree with you, at least (sorry homeboy, maybe you shouldn't have put on those 30 pounds in your SHOULDERS).



So the APFT is a lot like the SATs- it fails to measure some important qualities, but if you really screw up it there is definitely something wrong!


So does studying for the SAT make you smarter? Because I'm too lazy to hit the gym, so I train for the APFT and nothing else. Now, my body basically looks like this:



I can max the test, but I can't curl anything heavier than a junior bacon cheeseburger.

2 comments:

  1. Wrestled in HS but can't jog across the unitard store? Wow, what shitty wrestling program did they come out of?

    *shrug* Of course, I live in Poway...

    ReplyDelete
  2. hahahaha this is my life

    ReplyDelete